Dating feels exhausting today not because love has changed, but because our relationship with vulnerability has. We live in a culture of guardedness, where self-protection often takes precedence over connection. And it’s not just happening in dating, it’s a reflection of broader emotional immaturity and avoidance.
When we avoid facing our insecurities, wounds, and expectations, we end up relating through fear… fear of rejection, fear of inadequacy, fear of being seen and not accepted. So they create masks, strategies, games, roles, to maintain a sense of control. But the more control that’s chased, the less intimacy it allows. And without intimacy, dating turns into performance and to nothing healthy/long-lasting.
Thankfully, emotional intelligence is still part of dating, but it’s rare because few people are taught how to cultivate emotional intelligence. As a result, many still operate from their childhood survival strategies, just dressed in adult clothing.
Side note: It’s easy to blame the apps, but I’ve realised they’re just psychological amplifiers. Our unresolved trauma, attachment patterns, and self-worth struggles get reflected at us through gamification, endless comparison, and the emphasis on form over substance.
That’s why you see people chasing chemistry over compatibility, validation over values, attention over authenticity.
If you want to date differently, you must live differently. Be what you’re looking for. Don’t lower your standards to match a trend of emotional detachment, raise your consciousness and let that magnetise those who are on the same path.
You may find fewer people, but they’ll be more aligned.
Dating from the heart in a world that rewards armour isn’t weak, if anything, it’s courageous to risk it despite the landscape. Set standards based on your highest values, not your past wounds. When you’re whole within yourself, you stop needing relationships to complete you…and start using them to expand you.