Love hasn’t really changed. But dating often feels exhausting because many of us struggle with vulnerability. And it’s not just happening in dating, it often reflects how uncomfortable many of us are with emotional discomfort and ambiguity in general.
When we avoid facing our insecurities, wounds, and expectations, we end up relating through fear… fear of rejection, fear of inadequacy, fear of being seen and not accepted. So we develop masks, strategies, and roles to feel safer and more in control. The more we chase control, the less intimacy we allow. And without intimacy, dating can start to feel more like performance than a path toward something healthy or lasting.
Emotional intelligence still matters in dating, but many people were never taught how to develop it. So a lot of adult dating dynamics end up shaped by coping patterns we learned much earlier in life.
Side note: It’s easy to blame the apps, but I’ve realised they tend to amplify what’s already there. Things like old patterns and insecurities get magnified through gamification, optionality, and an emphasis on appearance over depth.
It’s one reason many of us end up prioritising chemistry over compatibility and validation over values.
I think dating differently requires living a little differently too: being what we’re looking for. Not matching trends, but staying aligned with our values. We may find fewer people, but at least they’ll be more aligned.
And when we feel more grounded in ourselves, relationships stop being about filling a gap and start becoming a place for growth.