Stability Isn’t the Same as Flow

For a long time, I thought stability and good communication were enough…that if you worked hard at a relationship, flow and deeper connection would naturally follow.

But that hasn’t always been true in my experience.

Sometimes two people can share affection, safety, and intimacy… and still miss the spark that makes everything feel alive.

I don’t think that kind of flow comes from effort alone. It seems there are deeper layers of relational style, pacing, and even how each person feels in the relationship.
For example, a relationship can feel emotionally rich yet subtly draining if one person thrives on co-creating and building together, while the other prefers something simpler or more passive. Or if their versions of play and spontaneity don’t really overlap. Over time, both people can end up dimming a little.

I used to make decisions by reasoning through everything. These days, I try to pay more attention to how things feel over time. The pattern of experiences either feel right, or not. Sometimes I know quickly, other times I have to let it unfold. I think most of us have been in situations where our intuition knew something before our intellect caught up.

Note: I think stability and good communication still matter. I just think they’re the starting point, not the whole thing.

Small Town Regeneration Plan

Step 1: Settle In
• Perfect my Portuguese, find a small town I vibe with, chat to locals and maybe the mayor.

Step 2: Bake my way in
• Open a little community bakery.
• Everyone’s welcome, if you’re struggling, the bread (or meals) are free.
• We cook together, share food, and yes, there will be puppies/kittens to lure people in.

Step 3: Figure out what’s broken
• Talk to residents, map issues (Streetlamp out? Playground needs fixing? Missing signs?).
• Do small, visible projects that make life better, i.e. a community garden, or a micro-grid to showcase energy sovereignty.

Step 4: Bring in skilled hands
• Use Helpx/WWOOF volunteers for a few weeks at a time
• They work, teach, and build in exchange for food and a place to stay (I’ve done this a dozen times)
• Locals pitch in to host/feed (or I do it), and everybody meets new people

Step 5: Keep the money sharks away
•Exchange skills for sustenance, not cash for property. Keep value circulating locally, and avoid falling into an unintentional gentrification trap.

Step 6: Let it snowball
• Each little win inspires more projects.
• Volunteers leave behind skills, tools, visible improvements, and a logbook/blueprint.
• Locals feel empowered to initiate their own projects.

Big picture: We can’t stop the self-cannibalising nature of capitalism hollowing out our existence, but we can outflank it by building something small, human, and worth living in.

The modern global system is a continuation of historical class structures, now masked by corporate, technological, and political complexity. The dynastic wealthy elite and the merchant class have engineered an environment that perpetuates their dominance, a self-reinforcing system designed to be unbeatable.

Well played, you clever delinquents.

I gotta scroll through goat parkour to balance out this feeling.

Gentrification is weird, man. I thought I’d be into the polished coffee shops and places that sell only cacti and vibes.

But I miss the old locally owned spots. They were rough around the edges, but real, like some auntie’s haberdashery that also sold chicken wraps…and gave unsolicited marriage advice. Wholesome stuff.

Private equity eating up high streets isn’t all it cracked out to be…who could’ve guessed?! That’s why we need to bring back community trusts (protected small businesses). Actually, we should rebrand them to Community Land Investment Trusts. Or C.L.I.T. for short.

Because the gentrifying hipsters wouldn’t be able to find it.

…tbh, neither would half the population

Overheard in a coffee shop, I’m paraphrasing:

“I think it’s more complicated than that.
Careers and friendships are narrower. They don’t break you open or challenge your reflexes as much as a loving relationship does.”

Some comments I found:

  • Credentials and money are not antidotes to the lingering effects of childhood maltreatment.
  • Life is a banquet and most poor suckers are starving to death. Many turn their backs to the table and complain how hungry they are and that there is nothing they can eat. They will stand between you and the banquet for however long you let them. So relieve yourself of them by whatever means necessary.
  • One cannot satisfy a thirst by drinking sea water
  • I’m tired of paying taxes to a government that doesn’t represent me, and is actively working against me.
  • The word democracy makes people feel safe…but it doesn’t exist. People are a labor force, that need a kind, but firm hand. There are not nations. There’s Apple, Exxon, and Berkshire Hathaway. Corporations are the real superpower. [Victoria Neumann, The Boys tv series]
  • The entire world is run as an economic machine, constructed with no regard for the collective good of humanity.

Raise Standards, Not Walls

Love hasn’t really changed. But dating often feels exhausting because many of us struggle with vulnerability. And it’s not just happening in dating, it often reflects how uncomfortable many of us are with emotional discomfort and ambiguity in general.

When we avoid facing our insecurities, wounds, and expectations, we end up relating through fear… fear of rejection, fear of inadequacy, fear of being seen and not accepted. So we develop masks, strategies, and roles to feel safer and more in control. The more we chase control, the less intimacy we allow. And without intimacy, dating can start to feel more like performance than a path toward something healthy or lasting.

Emotional intelligence still matters in dating, but many people were never taught how to develop it. So a lot of adult dating dynamics end up shaped by coping patterns we learned much earlier in life.

Side note: It’s easy to blame the apps, but I’ve realised they tend to amplify what’s already there. Things like old patterns and insecurities get magnified through gamification, optionality, and an emphasis on appearance over depth.

It’s one reason many of us end up prioritising chemistry over compatibility and validation over values.

I think dating differently requires living a little differently too: being what we’re looking for. Not matching trends, but staying aligned with our values. We may find fewer people, but at least they’ll be more aligned.

And when we feel more grounded in ourselves, relationships stop being about filling a gap and start becoming a place for growth.

I have the soul of a poet and the mind of an engineer… a disastrous combo for my sanity.